The Most Improbable Solution to Atlantis' Problem
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: Title says it all.
1. Chapter 1

The Most Improbable Solution to Atlantis' Problem in Six Pages or Less

By mermaid2bseeker

Chapter 1:

Crystal Smith sat in her alien laboratory on her alien planet and checked her reflection in a mirror. "Eureka!" she shouted. She finally thought of a way to defeat the Wraith and solve her planet's energy crisis. All she would need is some naquadah-laced ink and nanobots. So, she spent the better part of her day getting the items, then returned to her lab.

She injected herself with the nanobots, and then tattooed an intricate pattern on her left hand and forearm. When she was done, she looked at it in a mirror. It was very pretty; silver curlicues from her finger tips to her elbow. Then, she tattooed a different, but no less pretty pattern on her chest. She smiled at her handiwork. Now she just had to test it.

She retrieved a battery from one of her drawers. Its display showed a full energy supply. Holding it in her left hand, she instructed the nanobots to absorb all its energy. The battery died and she became very jittery. Then she held onto her desk lamp and discharged the energy into it. The lamp glowed brighter and brighter until it finally exploded from an overload.

"Yes, I knew it! I am a genius." Now she was ready for the real test.

Crystal wrote a letter and threw it through the active naquadah donut. It went like this:

_Dear Wraith, Hi, how are you doing? We have someone we want to kill and we though you could eat her instead. She'll be waiting near the Stargate. Bon Appetit!_

Three minutes later a male Alpha Wraith exited the gate. He approached Crystal and proceeded to try and suck the life out of her. As soon as his hand touched her chest, she told the nanobots to suck the energy out of him instead. After she finished, he was nothing more than a withered husk.

She pulled the dead battery out of her pocket and held it in her left hand. She thought about depositing the dead Wraith's energy into it and sure enough, the battery display quickly reached full strength.

What else could she do with her new-found ability? Rumor had it that Atlantis was in desperate need of power to defend against the Wraith. She smiled and dialed the gate.

"Incoming wormhole!" The shield rose automatically against the kawhoosh of the gate.

Elizabeth Weir walked out of her office. "Who is it?"

"No IDC." A second later the computers bleeped in warning as the shield fluctuated. The shield failed and a woman walked through.

"Hi. I'm Crystal and I'm the answer to your energy crisis!" Soldiers surrounded her as the gate shut off.

"Why did our shield fail?" Elizabeth asked.

Rodney McKay checked the computer. "There was a large energy drain in the shield emitters."

John Sheppard spun around in his swivel chair as fast as he could. Since he was a trained soldier/fighter pilot, he never got motion sickness, so he was truly going fast. Ronan Dex watched John spin, fascinated at this immature behavior. "Anyone ever notice that the big computer screen behind us says, _'The constitution to the revolution was virtually endless. Roses are red, violets are blue. One beer, two beer, I love you_." John stopped spinning and Ronan lost his balance. He fell on the floor holding his head.

"Ow," Ronan moaned.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Teyla asked.

"I don't know." John flashed his 1,000 watt grin her way. She blushed and turned away.

"John, focus, please."

"Sure. Hey, wait. Is that woman glowing or is it just me?"

"Maybe she's an ancient," Rodney typed some commands into his laptop. "I should scan her."

"You say that about every woman you meet."

Teyla and Elizabeth sat down and played some cards. This was going to take a while.

"Yes, well. I have to find some reason to explain why nearly every woman we meet is automatically attracted to you. It should at least be 50-50 between us."

"Maybe they're all impressed by the fact that I'm closer to being an Ancient than you are." John smiled smugly.

"What?" Rodney sputtered. "Which end of your ass did you pull that one out of?"

"Come on, admit it. I can control the Ancient technology better than anyone else can around here. And I was actually born with my ATA gene, unlike some people I know."

"Wow, and I thought I was conceited."

"You are conceited. I'm just expressing popular opinion about me, here. Trust me, McKay, no one thinks you're Superman, and wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes is not going to convince anyone otherwise."

Rodney threw a raspberry at John, stood up, and left to change his clothes.

Teyla put her hand of cards down. "Gin. I win."

Elizabeth sighed. "Just as well, I think we've given Beckett enough time to do some scans on our visitor. Let's go talk to him."

* * *

Two more chapters 


	2. Chapter 2

The Most Improbable Solution to Atlantis' Problem in Six Pages or Less  
By mermaid2bseeker

Chapter 2:

"And why in God's name would you want to mutilate your body," Carson Beckett asked as he examined Crystal.

"Well, it was a scientific experiment."

"Oh, well, that's just fine then."

John and Rodney walked into the infirmary first. "I'm telling you for the last time, we are not calling our team AG-1, SGA-1, and definitely not A-1, cause that's a steak sauce."

"And who's gonna know that in this galaxy?" Rodney scoffed.

"I'll know it." Trailing a large distance behind were Elizabeth and Teyla. Both were helping an unsteady Ronan to walk.

"Never again," Ronan muttered.

"What about the Proud Maple Leafs?"

"What about the Swirley, cause that's what you're gonna get if you don't stop it right now." Rodney pouted indignantly.

"Now, if you two are both finished." Beckett waved a giant needle at them, menacingly. The two of them whimpered and hid behind Ronan.

"I can act like a giant battery," Crystal explained. "I can draw energy, store it, and discharge it at will."

"That's amazing," Rodney stared at her. "How much power can you store at one time?"

"A whole lot."

"How is this going to solve our energy crisis?" Elizabeth asked.

"Well, there are hundreds of thousands of Wraith on the loose." She smiled cryptically.

"Huh."

"I can also drain energy from the Wraith themselves. You see these tattoos on my arm, well they're made of Naquadah. I have the same type of tattoos on my chest, so if a Wraith tries to eat me, I can take all of his energy away from him. Then I could put the energy in a ZPM for you. If I do this to enough Wraith you can have three fully functional ZPMs. You could fly this baby if you wanted to."

Rodney's face lit up like a boy on Christmas day, or like the time he built his first nuclear bomb in sixth grade. "I like this plan. I love this plan."

"Well, I don't," Carson said sternly. "If we do this then we're no better than the Wraith."

Elizabeth bit her bottom lip. She thought about it, and then said, "I don't care. I want to do this."

"Perhaps we should not get ahead of ourselves," Teyla said calmly.

"Yeah. Excited as I am at killing a bunch of Wraith, we should test this out first," Ronan said.

Crystal snapped her fingers. "I know just the place. It's called 'Big, safe, empty planet' and it'll be perfect."

"What's the address?" John asked.

"Big, safe, empty planet."

"Huh."

Elizabeth counted on her fingers. "That's six syllables. That's a gate address without the Point of Origin. Daniel Jackson discovered that each of the symbols on the gate corresponds to a sound in the Ancient language."

"I'll run the words through the Ancient translator."

"Great, then we can go."

Thirty minutes later, Crystal, Elizabeth, John, Teyla, Ronan, and Rodney were on "Big, Safe, Empty Planet" ready to witness this amazing ability of Crystal's. Everyone except Crystal hid behind some conveniently placed trees.

Crystal wrote another letter to the Wraith, telling the Wraith the same thing as before. Sure enough three minutes later, a male Alpha Wraith walked through the gate. He approached Crystal and tried to suck the life out of her. Just like as before, she sucked the energy out of him, instead. He fell to the ground a withered corpse.

The others rushed out from behind the trees.

"That was amazing," Rodney looked like he wanted to hug Crystal.

"Do you want me to charge anything for you?"

"We have a dead ZedPM in Atlantis."

"Sweet, let's go back."

When they returned to Atlantis, Rodney had Radek Zelenka fetch the dead ZPM. In one of the science labs, they all gathered to see if a dead ZPM really could be recharged. They literally held their breaths as Crystal picked up the darkened ZPM, closed her eyes and discharged the Wraith's energy into it. The ZPM pulsed slowly at first, then faster and faster until, finally, it glowed with a steady orange light.

"Oh, my (lots of Czech words) ZPM (more Czech)." Radek stared wide eyed at the ZPM. "We're saved."

"Go hook it up," Elizabeth told him.

"Yeah." Radek took the ZPM and ran out the room screaming happily in English and Czech.

"I believe this calls for a celebration," said Teyla.

Crystal looked at the five of them. Rumor was there was an odd love pentagon on Atlantis, and seeing the way they were looking at each other, that rumor was true. She stamped her foot impatiently, for she along with the entire viewing community wanted to know who would pair up with who. "Just make out with the person you love already, will you?"

* * *

One more chapter...sorta 


	3. Chapter 3 version 1

The Most Improbable Solution to Atlantis' Problem in Six Pages or Less

Chapter 3 version 1.0 For Sheyla, McWeir shippers

John and Rodney glanced at the two rooms that conviently branched off the science lab. They were grinning.

"Go, me and Ronan will stand watch." Crystal's smile was encouraging.

John and Teyla went into one room while Rodney and Elizabeth went into the other.

Ronan looked to Crystal. "You wanna spar?" he asked her.

"Sure."

For the next ten minutes they practiced their fighting skills on each other. But they were interrupted by Radek entering the room.

"Where did everyone else go?"

"Um…hehe…The thing is…" Crystal was cut off by loud kissing noises coming from the other two rooms.

"Well it is about time. Tell me, who has paired up with who?"

"Sheppard with Teyla and McKay with Weir," Ronan answered.

"Yes, I knew it. I won the big bet." Radek skipped out of the room. "Hey guess what everybody!" he screamed in the hall.

About five minutes later, Dr. Beckett walked in, flustered. "What's this I hear about Rodney and Elizabeth? And Dr. Zelenka's running around saying he won the bet. I had to sedate him he was so excited."

Just then, the two doors opened and two very disheaveled couples walked out.

"Dr. Beckett?" Elizabeth tried to look professional, failing miserably.

"Tell me it isn't true? You and Rodney?"

"Hey, I am standing right here you know."

"It's true."

Carson threw his hands up in defeat and left the room muttering something about ordering another psych evaluation for Atlantis.

The two couples started giggling like idiots.

THE END?

* * *

There's one more chapter, kinda 


	4. Chapter 3 version 2

The Most Improbable Solution to Atlantis' Problem in Six Pages or Less

Chapter 3 version 2.0 For Shweir (Sparky) shippers

John and Ronan glanced at the two rooms that conviently branched off the science lab. They were grinning.

"Go, me and Rodney will stand watch." Crystal's smile was encouraging.

John and Elizabeth went into one room while Ronan and Teyla went into the other.

Rodney looked to Crystal. "You want to help me conduct scientific experiments?"

"Sure."

For the next ten minutes they conducted an experiment on the strange jellyfish like creatures that lived in the waters outside Atlantis. But they were interrupted by Radek entering the room.

"Where did everyone else go?"

"Um…hehe…The thing is…" Crystal was cut off by loud kissing noises coming from the other two rooms.

"Well it is about time. Tell me, who has paired up with who?"

"Sheppard with Elizabeth and Ronan with Teyla," Rodney answered.

"You have got to be kidding me. Sheppard and Weir?""

"Mmm-hmm. Now please leave, we're conducting important scientific experiments here." Radek left, unhappily.

Crystal looked to Rodney. "You know, you don't have to be so mean to him."

Rodney looked up. "It's just what I do. I'm mean to everyone. It means I like them," he practically snapped at her.

"So you like me?"

"Huh. I, I, I, I…I didn't say that." He blushed violently.

"It's okay if you do, cause I like you too."

His blush worsened. He tried to concentrate on his work, but kept sneaking side glances at Crystal. He took a deep breath, tried to calm down, and did something he had never been real good at.

Five minutes later, Carson walked in, saw Rodney and Crystal making out, and promptly walked out, planning to smack his head with a bed pan repeatedly until he forgot that he ever saw it.

THE END.

Taa-daa. I know I turned Crystal into a bit of a Mary Sue at the end there, but I couldn't help it. I mean, I couldn't very well give it a BecKay ending. This fic was strictly non-slash. So tell me how you like it, or hate it. I love all reviews, good and bad.


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